It is taking me some time to settle back in to be home. I was only gone for 4 days but it was so relaxing and I was so cut off that it feels like a lot longer.
I struggled last week with my healthy food habit challenge. Mainly because we could not get fresh fruit (or veg) where we went away. And we tried... It was really bizarre. So I am doing week 1 again.
In other news I am off to a new Physio tonight. My old one seemed to be pretty pathetic so I am getting a second opinion. I can feel a lump growing on the back of the Achilles and that is not good.... That added to the fact that it is constantly swollen leads me to believe he is not doing all he could be.
Weigh in this morning was slightly down. I have not been monitoring my food intake at all. Time to refocus.
The Black Dog is still hovering around the fringes as well. I am trying to do what I can to keep him at bay but it is hard...
So sorry for the extended absence. SVP and I went away for a long weekend. I was planning on taking the laptop which is why I did not mention it. But at the last minute I decided to have a technology-free weekend.
I had an amazingly relaxing weekend and spent a lot of time with my own thoughts.
Decisions have been made, others have been un-made. Some decisions are that little bit closer. Things are good.
Didn't do so well with my healthy food habit change this week, but tomorrow starts a new week. And I am relaxed and ready to make some changes...
Firstly, sorry for the extended absence. After Friday nights reality check I realised I had some thinking to do.
Unfortunately the weekend was SO busy no thinking got thought…
Well, at least not consciously. But thoughts are always swirling I guess.
I came to a realisation this morning. I am overwhelming myself with the need to get this perfect. Eat this many points, that many calories. Do this much exercise at that intensity. It is too much for my small (and now blonde) brain to cope with.
So it comes down to this.
What do I want?
I want a healthy mind and body.
Do I care about skinny? No, not really. But being truly healthy will entail being smaller than I am now.
So for now, there is no more point counting. No more calorie counting. No more striving for a perfection I am not capable of reaching.
I am breaking this down.
Each week I will remove one bad food habit, and add one good food habit.
This week I will start eating a piece of fruit every day.
And I will stop eating potato chips.
I have gotten into the habit of eating 3-4 large bags of potato chips a week (Smiths Cheese & Onion are my favourite). But the amount of calories in those things is ridiculous. Plus the fact that I always get the ploops afterwards.
Every Monday I will share another + and – that will be coming into my food life. I will be developing good habits one at a time while removing bad habits at the same pace.
If anyone has any suggestions of good food habits I can look at bringing into my daily life, I would love to hear them.
You know sometimes you see a really fat person sitting or standing somewhere and you feel a sense of pity for them? You glance then look away, not wanting to stare, and feeling sorry that they let themselves get to such a state.
Today on the train on the way home I was looking around in a bit of a daze, and out the corner of my eye I caught sight of one of those people. It was a lady sitting on the next row of seats over.
I glanced away but looked back when I realised she had been looking in my direction.
Imagine my horror when I realised she was looking at me because it was my reflection!
I looked again.
Yep, that is definitely me I was feeling pity for.
How the fuck did I get here again? I don't want people's pity. I am a strong independent woman. How the fuck did I become this pathetic creature taking up one and a half seats on the train????
Because I was here before 3 years ago.
And I have let myself get back there.
I spent the rest of the ride home trying my hardest not to cry my eyes out.
Last night was our first Home Made Boot Camp session. I was half looking forward to it, half dreading it.
On the weekend when I was out shopping for a Valentines Day pressie for SVP I found these very cool caps for M & I to wear. They say “htfu”. I got them to remind us that when we really don’t want to do this - we need to shut up and harden the fuck up. :)
We went to a massive area of parklands and set ourselves up near an oval with benches that we could use for the session.
So we started with a Fitness Test. The idea was to get as many of the following done in the time frame to give us a starting point.
ROUND 1: FITNESS TEST
Squats 2 minutes
Push ups 2 minutes
Sit ups 2 minutes
Shuttle run/walk 5 minutes
My results were:
Push ups 23
Sit ups 17
(and apparently the noises I make while trying to do these are wildly amusing…)
Shuttle run/walk 475 metres
Not a great result but it definitely gives me something to improve on.
By the time we did this the oval we were using was filling up with rugby players, so we decided to move ourselves one oval over (there are about 5 or 6 ovals). Then we got stuck into session 2
ROUND 2: COMBO CIRCUIT
60 second intervals
15 seconds rest
Repeat circuit TWO TIMES
This was HARD… I had to modify a few of them so they didn’t put extra pressure on my Achilles, but I did something for every section.
By the time we got through the first circuit, ALL the ovals were filled with Rugby players and we were boxed in. It was time to find another location. We found a patch of grass away from all the ovals. By then we decided to skip the 2nd circuit and move on to round 3.
Round 3 was upper body work only.
ROUND 3: UPPER BODY BLITZ
Continuous circuit – no rest periods
12 repetitions of each exercise
1 minute rest then repeat circuit
3.Tricep kick backs
Now this hurt. I was only using 1.5 kg weights, but by the end they felt like 10kg. :)
We ended up doing a 50 minute session. I was knackered by the end of it. Of course, I was on my bike and still had a 10km ride to get home… It wasn’t too bad until km 4, when I encountered a head wind from the rain front moving in. By km 8 I was ready to spew. But I didn’t… :)
This morning I am in a world of pain… My Butt and Hamstrings are especially pissed at me. But honestly, I hurt all over. I skipped the bike ride in and got on public transport. Although even walking to the stop was slow and painful…
In saying that I really enjoyed it. M is great to work out with. She is so much fitter than me that it gives me something to strive for. Also she doesn't whinge and complain like I do. LOL I can't guarantee I am as much fun to work out with.
Next week it is my turn to come up with the plan. What I have in mind is quite different to M's session which is good. It will give us some variety. I am getting all my ideas from the Commando and Tiff from TBL.
I am looking forward to it (assuming I am able to move again my then...) :)
I have spent this morning perusing blogs and Twitter. Looking for that 'something' that will click with me.
I have read several "woe is me" blogs this morning.
You know the ones. I have had a shit week so I rewarded myself with chocolate. All my friends hate me so I ate a tub of ice cream. It's okay though, I will be fine when they love me again. That sort of crap.
And in my head I was sort of agreeing with them. I do that myself. But at the same time I was also thinking "that's not good, you shouldn't do that".
(I am a complex person, I can agree and disagree with the same thing simultaneously...)
Anyway, then I read two things that made me stop and think...
The first one was on a forum. The title was something about being proud of herself, then she went on to say her bf of x years had broken up with her THAT morning and she hadn't succumbed to the chocolate monster, she asked her friend to go for a walk on the beach with her instead of comforting her with crap.
The same day she broke up, she was proud of herself for this very strong decision.
The second thing was a Tweet - not 3 minutes later. Now I still don't really get Twitter, so I am not sure who to attribute this to as I am sure it had been retweeted a few times, so apologies if I am stealing your thoughts. But here it is:
"I stopped thinking food was good or bad. Stopped making food about emotions. Food is fuel. Doesn't have bad/good morals"
Now THAT struck a chord... There were other tweets in the tweet line talking about journaling the emotions and thoughts when you eat rather than journaling the food. Which I thought was an interesting concept.
I think of food in terms of flavour and how it will make me feel emotionally.
I never think of it in terms of what it is doing for my body.
And let's face it, the only reason we need food is for what it does for our body.
Every time I have dieted I have focussed on how much food I can fit into my allowance of whatever it is I am counting at the time. I have never stopped to think:-
I am tired, I need iron or protein.
I am about to exercise, I need some carbs and some protein.
(See I know this stuff, I just don't put it into practice).
Time for a complete head-adjustment. Food purely for what my body needs.
It will take a lot of work to change nearly 40 years of thinking a certain way.
But I think I am on to something. I have changed my thinking on other things in the past, time to change my thinking on this.
My Tweets are probably going to be solely about this for a while, but that's okay. I don't think anyone reads them anyway and it gives me a safe place I can jot these thoughts down.
I weighed in this morning at 147.1 kgs. I have gone up by 2 kgs since Monday. Riding to work this morning I had a whole list of excuses I was preparing for you. I am retaining water. I haven’t pooped in 2 days. I am so busy I haven’t been cooking. I haven’t exercised because I have been so busy… The list is endless.
Then I got here and I read the head of this blog.
“Total and complete honesty.”
Damn. I can’t in good conscience use those excuses. It completely defeats the purpose of having an anonymous and honest blog. And let’s face it, they are just excuses.
So the truth is
I am retaining water because I ate crap all week.
I haven’t pooped in 2 days because I ate crap all week.
I haven’t been cooking because I chose to eat crap all week.
I haven’t exercised because I felt crap because I ate crap all week.
And all that resulted in a 2 kilo gain in 3 days.
So this morning I skipped the high crap breakfast and had my Oats with Rice Milk. I am working my way through my first big bottle of water.
I have our first Home Made Boot Camp tonight that I am crapping myself over, but I have my ankle brace, my Voltaren gel, my anti-inflamatories, and my game face on. So I will get through that.
I will go home after that and have an egg and veggie frittata. I am leading up to doing a detox fairly soon and am going to eat as well as I can in the lead up. I will start counting points again after the detox. Right now I think it is more important for me to concentrate on WHAT I am eating rather than HOW MUCH I am eating.
I love the idea of Boot Camp. I love the idea of an outdoor personal trainer.
But geez these people charge a lot of $$$ for these things.
I have been exercising now for several years. I know what I am doing.
Where I struggle is the motivation.
I was talking to a friend of mine this week, and we decided to do it ourselves. Set our own Boot Camp. Take turns coming up with the plan. Then get together and push each other hard.
I am still injured, and M is a LOT fitter than I am, so we have to make sure that we both get a full workout.
I am using the current season of TBL to get ideas for when it is my turn. M is taking the first week. We are going to do a measurable fitness test so we can see where we are at, and repeat it every 6 weeks or so.
I am looking forward to it, but terrified at the same time because M is tough! LOL
After how I ate the last 2 days I take that as a great kindness my body has done for me.
I feel like crap though.
I am treating this anxiety with food and it does not work.
Time to treat it with love.
I have never done this. I need to learn to love myself.
Planning a detox. Just need to work out when to do it.
I am going to a rebirthing workshop tonight. Don't know if it will help but it can't hurt to try....
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Rebirthing-Breathworkis a breathing technique that claims to heal suppressed emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, etc. It shares a common belief with various other therapies calledRebirthing, with both groups believing thathuman birthis atraumatic eventand that reviewing or revisiting this event, in some way, can have therapeutic benefits. However, the actual techniques utilized in Rebirthing-breathwork are quite different from those used by these therapies. Also, rebirthing-breathwork claims that it can heal suppressed emotions regardless at what point in one's life they became suppressed.
In around about a months time I am joining thousands of other people and shaving my head for the Leukaemia Foundation.
I have spent a good part of the last 2 months freaking out about losing my hair.
I like my hair.
And I am going to cry when it goes.
But a part of me is excited about this – and this is not something I would admit to those in my everyday life.
In the last 2 years (well, 18 months really as things have been better for a couple of months) I went through some of the most difficult situations in my life. A LOT of things went down that challenged who I am as a person and deeply affected my relationship with my partner (SVP – Shrinking Vego’s Partner).
We have pulled through this and SVP & I are stronger than ever. It could have killed us, but it didn’t.
It did leave us bruised and battered though…
The reason I am excited about losing my hair is I see it as a chance to emerge from the shell I have been living in. Taking off my hair is like shedding the outer layers.
SVP & I were talking about it on the weekend. He believes that once my hair is gone, the weight loss thing will fall into place. As the hair grows back, and the kilos come off, the true Shrinking Vego will emerge.
This is exactly what has been mulling through my head over the past few days – he just verbalised it better than I could.
A week after losing my hair I am getting a new tattoo. A dragonfly.
Dragonfly Symbolism - Defeat of Self Created Illusions
The dragonfly exhibits iridescence both on its wings as well as on its body. Iridescence is the property of an object to show itself in different colors depending on the angle and polarization of light falling on it.
This property is seen and believed as the end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions.
A new Shrinking Vego will be emerging. The real Shrinking Vego. No longer hiding. No longer afraid. Ready to be who I am meant to be.