You know sometimes you see a really fat person sitting or standing somewhere and you feel a sense of pity for them? You glance then look away, not wanting to stare, and feeling sorry that they let themselves get to such a state.
Today on the train on the way home I was looking around in a bit of a daze, and out the corner of my eye I caught sight of one of those people. It was a lady sitting on the next row of seats over.
I glanced away but looked back when I realised she had been looking in my direction.
Imagine my horror when I realised she was looking at me because it was my reflection!
I looked again.
Yep, that is definitely me I was feeling pity for.
WTF!?!?!?!
How the fuck did I get here again? I don't want people's pity. I am a strong independent woman. How the fuck did I become this pathetic creature taking up one and a half seats on the train????
Again!
Because I was here before 3 years ago.
And I have let myself get back there.
I spent the rest of the ride home trying my hardest not to cry my eyes out.
Now I am home alone and the tears are falling.
I did this to myself.
Why...
How...
:(
4 comments:
I had a similar moment in a ice cream parlor at a museum. One wall was all mirrors and I caught a glimpse of myself and thought, oh..she's so fat. Poor girl. And she seems to be wearing my clothes.
You're who you are. We have to love ourselves, fat or thin. And I know for a fact that very thin, fit people are riddled with insecurities just like we are..no excuse to NOT get into shape. But try to not beat yourself up too much.
Hugs honey buns, I understand exactly how you're feeling. I cleaned out my cupboard tge other day and came across a pair of jeans I used to wear all the time when I first met T about 20 mths ago. They were lose enough then to require a belt. I held them up the other day and they looked so small I can barely believe I used to wear them:(.
The kind of thing that sort of kicks you in the head when you're not expecting it. Someday you'll look back on this story and remember it as just another thing that pushed you forward to where you want to be. I totally relate to this situation. I file them under "Things I don't want to think about, ever again."
This happened to me at the mall (while walking by a wall that was all mirrors...quite unexpectedly). You just have to breathe out and go, "Ahhh...daaaaaaaaamn. I really need to focus and lose this weight so that doesn't happen ever again."
Use this experience as a jumping off point to stay focused and do what your body (and your mind) wants you to do.
You'll get there, sweetie. And, one day, you'll be sitting on that train and you'll look down and think, "OMG...I don't take up 1 1/2 seats! How'd that happen?!" And you'll feel amazing.
You've got this, darlin'! You're doing well. Stay focused. Keep going.
*BIG, BIG HUGS!!!*
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