Afternoon Hunger

is kicking in. Am going to have a yogurt and lots more water followed by my appetite suppressants.

Any tips for getting through the afternoon???

Moving through the day...

Getting hungry and I still have half an hour till my lunch break. I just took my appetite suppressants with a big glass of water but I am still really hungry.

For lunch I have a big salad with cottage cheese, an Ultra Slim shake with Rice Milk, and a yogurt. Hopefully it fills me up.

Think I have my points worked out for the day.

I have to keep reminding myself I want to be thin more than I want the chocolate…

Morning going well

Last night found me on the WW web site looking up how many points are in McDonalds Hash Browns... WTF!?!?!?!

Woke up this morning and realised how completely stupid and self destructive that is. I am already feeling quite sick from all the crap I have been eating and this horrid cold I seem to be getting, and I was going to feed this body carbs and fat for breakfast?!?!?!?

The Biggest Loser Australia started last night. Boy I identified with a lot of those contestants. I sure wish I didn't though. I wish I identified with the trainer who said "I normally treat my body like a temple, this week I have treated it like a garbage dump" (for those of you not in Oz, the trainers had to live a week with their families and eat what they ate).

While I didn't identify with that comment it struck a nerve. 

I do that - I treat my body like a garbage dump. I find the crappiest, most nutritionally useless foods around, and shove them into my body.

Then I wonder which I feel like shot so often.

I fell like shit coz I treat my body like shit.

Time to treat it like a temple.

Geez I wish my ankle was better. I want to get out there and smash my body. But I can't. Not yet.

For today I will focus on eating well. Only feed myself nutritionally sound foods. Follow the WW points. 

Oh, and I weighed in at 146kgs. :(

Update

Weight Watchers is going not so well....  I am struggling. I don't get it. 

I am going to keep trying.

Tomorrow I am going to buy enough salad veg to last me the week at work. My partner is going to take care of dinner most nights so I don't have to cook. I just need to control snacks.

Feel free to kick my butt in need.

Will post more this week with updates. I will even weight tomorrow although i don't want to after the binges...  But I will.

Day 1 of WW

Weight Watchers online starts today. So fr so good but of course I am only at breakfast. 

Interesting that in working out the points calories are not taken into consideration at all - it is based purely on protein, carbs, fat and fibre. Very strange for someone who has been calorie obssessed for 3 years...

We are going out to dinner tonight but I have already chosen what I am having and tracked it so I will be fine. Now just to decide the rest of the days food. 

Binge City

That has been my world for the last few days.

It started Monday night. I stopped in at the Supermarket on the way home from work to get some veg for a stir fry. I left laden with junk food – not a vegetable in sight. Went home. Ate the lot.

Tuesday started okay but it did not last.

Yesterday – not good.

Last night we got pizza and I felt sick sick sick. Had a chat to the partner. Trying to come up with some strategies. Think we have a plan in place.

This morning the strategies went out the window. This afternoon I joined Weight Watchers online.

Since I have paid money for this I am determined to give it a go. Not really sure I understand the pro-Points thing yet, but I will study it tonight. Have to make it work.

Just have to…

I have a secret

Shhh….

Come in close so no-one can hear me. Closer, I won’t bite.

That’s better.

I am going to do a half marathon this year….

WHAT?  I hear you cry. You can’t even run 1km and you think you are going to run 21.1 in the next 11 months. Are you nuts?

Calm down. Let me explain.

I did not say I was going to RUN a half marathon. I said I was going to DO a half marathon. I don’t care if I only run 1km of it, I will walk the rest. I don’t care if it takes all day and half the night. I am going to DO this in December 2011.

OK, you can sit back now.

On to other news.

Weigh in today saw me at 145.1kgs. Which means that the gain from the week away was probably water weight. I am happy with that.

Time to set some goals and get serious.  I said before I went I needed a plan, so here it is.

I will weigh 140kgs by Valentines Day.

Yes I am aware that is only 3 weeks away, but I believe I can do it.

I am counting calories again and I will be pushing the exercise harder than before.  I will do it. Just watch me.

Bike Ride

Went out on the bike this morning. Rode just over 50kms. It was hard but it was a hell of a fun ride. 

My eating has been all over the place since getting back. I have been really hungry and craving crap. I am wondering if it is because I was fed so much processed food while I was away. I am now craving the salt and sugar.

Time to wean myself off and go back to eating clean whole foods as much as possible.

I am also upping the ante on the exercise. I want to be as fit as possible by the time I am allowed to run again so that it is easier.

If anyone has any great vego recipes please send them my way.

Photos

I thought it was time for some embarrassment. Pure, torturous embarrassment. Showing photos of myself at my heaviest...

Gross, huh...

But if I am going to be completely honest here then I have to show where I came from.  I weighed 162.5kgs in these photos. I was so incredibly unfit and unhealthy. I used to need a nap after doing the grocery shopping. When I started this whole thing my exercise was a 10 minute walk doing laps around the back yard.  And that exhausted me.

I have come a really long way yet I am only 16 kilos lighter than I was then.

At my size that is not a lot.

Tomorrow I am going for a bike ride. Hopefully a long one.

I want to do new progress shots when I hit 140kgs and I want that to be soon.

Back and ready to start fresh

Firstly I would like to say thank you for all the amazing comments. You guys are incredible and I really appreciate the support.

I am back from my week away and I would like to start by saying the food was crap! I had processed veggie burgers at nearly every meal. They were gross and full of salt. But I was starving by the middle of the week so I really had to eat them. I also ate dessert at every meal because I was hungry.

I made some bad choices....

I also did not get as much exercise done as I would have liked. There was a lot on offer, but nothing I could really do with my current injury. So I ate lots of salty, crappy food and sat on my butt...

The result?

A 900 gram gain.

**sigh**

The good thing that came out of the week was a motivational speaker that come by on Tuesday night. He was talking about life and improving it etc. But one thing from the evening really stuck with me.

He talked a lot about conscious and sub-conscious thought and actions. How our habits are driven by our sub-conscious. 

Here's the thing.

How much of our daily actions are made up of our sub-conscious driving us????

97%!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah - 97% of our actions are sub-conscious and only 3% are based on a conscious decision.

I immediately related it back to my weight loss attempts. Eating and meal times are generally controlled by the sub-conscious. You do what you have always done. To change that you are fighting years of habit. Years of reaching for the same foods without even thinking about it. And our activities are the same. If you have always sat on your butt after dinner, getting up to go for a walk is a conscious decision. And it is hard.

I still need to give this a lot of thought. But it makes sense.

What I do know is I need to stop beating myself up all the time. If I get it right for 2 meals and 2 snacks and stuff it up for one meal, I am still up 4 out of 5 when it comes to making healthy conscious decisions. 

If I lighten up this could get easier...

Food for thought.

Need a Plan

The last few days have not been good with my food. I weighed in this morning as I am going to be away for a week.

145.4

A gain of 100 grams. Considering how I have been eating, not to bad.

So, I need a plan.

For the next week I am away for work. The problem with this is that we will be at a place where all food is provided and there will be very limited choices. They will cater for the fact that I am vego, but I will probably get one meal choice. I just hope the chef is not one of those people who think all vegetarians eat pumpkin and eggplant at every meal. Yuck!

I will also be very busy so will not have time to exercise.

So the plan for the next week is to survive. I get back Saturday. I will assess the damage. And start afresh. While away I will make the best choices based on what is made available to me. When I get home it is time for seriousness.

I do want to do this.

I WILL do this…

Did yesterday improve?

No, it did not…

I ended up eating hot chips at the beach.

Why? Because I wanted to…

Did they taste good? Meh…

Did I feel good after? No…

But as it is Thursday it is weigh in day. I weighed in at 145.3kgs which is a loss of 900g over the 3 days which really is quite amazing. Can you imagine what it would have been if yesterday did not happen??? But I am not in a race to the finish here, I just want to finish, so 900g is amazing and I will accept that with a smile.

So I have still been mulling over this whole sabotaging the weigh in day thing that my WL Bud brought up yesterday. I know I am doing it. Why?

I have been told in the past I have “success issues”. I don’t know though, that sounds like a load of crap to me.

I think it is more simple. I work hard all week, I want a loss. If I don’t get a loss I am devastated. If I sabotage and I don’t get a loss, I have an excuse, an “out” if you will. I can them blame something. Blame is important. Because you don’t want to think you can’t do it, because if you think that – you won’t.

When I lost weight before I also had the situation where people did not recognize me. That is when I stopped losing. Being unrecognizable is scary. You think it would be great but it isn’t. If you are not recognized – who are you? Are you still the same person? Who have you become? I felt like I had lost myself. My identity. And it frightened me. The fact the over 2 years later it is still frightening me tells me that this is where I have my issues.

Time to work through them…

Win No More

Well the win from this morning turned into a loser situation. A really big loser situation….

I caved and got a 175g pack of chips and gobbled the lot…

Then I confessed to my Weight Loss Buddy and she asked me why.  The excuses spewed forth…

I’m tired…

Work is hectic…

I am hungry…

I am stressed…

The only one of those that is true is the last one. I am completely devastated and distressed over the flooding in Qld. I lived there for 7 years and have been madly trying to get in touch with all my friends. Most are accounted for but I am still waiting to hear from a few more. I feel totally lost and helpless. I can do nothing while people are losing everything. People I know. And I can do nothing…

Was that a good enough reason to bury my face into a big bag of chips?

Hell no!

But I did it…

sigh…

My WL Bud asked if I was sabotaging weigh in day – which is tomorrow – as I did the exact same thing on the weekend. I said yes. Probably. Now she wants to know why. I wish I knew…

Had a Win

As I said in my post this morning, I have been craving Smiths Cheese & Onion chips.

I just had to go to the local supermarket to pick up some milk for work, and what is on special and on display as soon as you walk in the door???

Smiths Cheese & Onion Chips... 3 packs for $5.  The really large packs.

You have no idea what an effort it was to walk past them and just get the milk. It almost physically hurt...

But I did it. :)

Last nights dinner

was crap. Complete crap. 

I managed to come in okay as far as calories go - hit 2226 and did a hard bike ride last night. But dinner was NOT what I had planned and was crap.

This is not the thing I would normally admit to - usually I would go silent on the matter. But not anymore. Now I admit to these things.

So I got home from my ride just after 7 last night. I had been going really well with my food and had planned to have a big salad with cottage cheese and sweet chili tofu.

But I was hot and tired and starving when I got home... So I had some bread and butter (really high calorie delicious bread). Then I was still starving so I had 3 more bits of this absolutely decadent bread that has now been banned from our house with mushrooms and cheese, grilled.

Doesn't sound too bad, right?

Over 900 calories my friends....

Then at 1.30 this morning I woke up with the worst tummy cramps and ended up with the poos. Serves me right!

This morning I was craving - I mean seriously hankering for - some potato chips. Smiths Cheese and Onion to be precise. But I did not cave. I have had my oats, and am drinking my water. My next weigh in is tomorrow and damn it I want to see a loss!

Weight Loss Goals

It suddenly occurred to me that I haven't really defined any goals for myself with regards to weight loss.

Maybe that is because I don't really have any.

I know I want to be skinnier, but by how much?

I do need something to work towards though, so rather than having a long term goal that feels like it is too hard to even thing of reaching, I will have a shorter term one.

I would like to get to 120kgs.

That is a loss of 27.2 from the beginning of the year.

I am not putting a time limit on it.  I am just going to aim for it.  Once I get there I will reassess.

Thoughts?

What am I doing?

Yesterday was a much better day with my food than I have had in a long time.  I was actually below my calories, which never happens. LOL I made good choices all day and finished the day feeling quite full which is why I didn't continue eating up to my calorie limit.

So how am I attacking this thing called weight loss?

Basically I am counting calories. Boring, right? 

Yep, completely, but the thing is - it works. So this is what I am doing.

I am on 2000 calories a day based on my height and weight. Depending on which web site you go to I get told I should have anything from 1680 - 2220. But 2000 is a nice round number.  If I do a lot of exercise I will eat more, but only a couple of hundred. Any more than that and I am defeating the purpose of the exercise.

I am also taking an Appetite Suppressant.  It is by NutraFibre and contains Guar Gum, Oat Husk, Pectin & Psyllium.  There are no chemicals or additives. You take 2 capsules half an hour before food with a massive glass of water. the idea is that the fibre expands in your stomach making less room for food.

Most of the time - it works. Sometimes - when I am in a weird starving mood - nothing works.  But I am finding a lot of success with this. The best thing is that it is all natural and it is quite cheap.

I am also trying to eat fresh as much as possible, although it is a steep learning curve to veer away from the ease of processed and pre-packaged food. And obviously I do not eat meat of any kind. Tofu is my friend... LOL  Actually, I really like tofu, as long as it is a good quality organic one. The cheap ones are gross. :)

Today my mindset is pretty good. I ate well yesterday and am feeling good. Let's hope it lasts...

Who Am I

I have had weight loss blogs before. I have had general blogs before. But I have never had truly honest blogs before.

How am I going to do this?

Easy!

I am going to remain anonymous. No names. No photos of my face. No personal information. Just raw honesty.

So the question remains...

Who Am I?

I am an overweight 30-something who lives in Australia. I have dieted my whole life and I just keep getting fatter.  Three years ago I decided to take my life back and start dieting and exercising. I weighed in at 162.5 kilos.

I worked my butt off for 10 months and became obsessed.  The result? A 45 kilo weight loss, a fitter body, and no life. I could not maintain it. I relaxed my attitude somewhat but life got in my way. 

Family illnesses, deaths, job losses, house losses, financial strife, mental illness (mine and family members)... Everything got on top of me.  So here I am, just over 2 years later, and I have gained back 30 of those kilos.

30 kilos...  Are you freaking kidding me????  In just 2 years!!!!

Last week I decided that had to change.  I can NOT go back to being that person.  But I also can't be obsessed again. 

I need somewhere separate from my everyday blog to record this stuff.  Somewhere that no-one knows who I am so all the honest stuff that I normally keep bottled up can come on out.  I don't even care if no-one reads it. I just want to have a place where I can put it all.

So to start with the honesty here we go - first weigh in of 2011 saw me sitting on 147.2kilos.

Second weigh in (today) saw me sitting at 146.2 kilos.

A 1 kilo loss which I SHOULD be happy with. But considering I did exercised every day - including a 40km bike ride - it should have been more.

Why wasn't it?

Because I ate shit. A lot of shit.  Too much shit. So I only lost 1 kilo.

I had a big chat with my exercise buddy and I know where I went wrong. So I am taking the bull by the horns and starting fresh today.

Weigh in is Mondays and Thursdays.

I'll be here - with it all hanging out....